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  • Writer's pictureKaty Berritt

If I Were an Alien

Remember the 1950s? Okay, maybe you don’t. Maybe you weren’t born yet but this was when TV married couples slept in twin beds and TV shows weren’t allowed to show toilets. The implication was that humans didn’t have bodily functions.

Oh, how things have changed. Now, anything goes.

Which makes me wonder what aliens would think if they landed on planet Earth today. Imagine this: After sixty thousand years in space, they’ve finally landed on good old terra firma.

Their mission? To learn about humanity.

The head alien decides the best way to learn about humans must be through books. So the head alien trots off to the local library and returns with an entire box of books…

Romance books.

Sub-alien One is assigned to read inspirational romance which he does then reports back to the head guy with his impression.

“Your worship. It’s amazing. Humans don’t think about reproduction. They never have lascivious thoughts, never feel a spark of physical desire, and they never touch except to shake hands. Given their lack of physical desire, it’s a miracle the human race has managed to survive. Because of this, I believe they are of no use to us therefore I recommend liquidating them immediately.”

On the other hand, Sub-alien Two gets the erotica books and gets a totally different impression.

“Your worship, humans spend twenty-four hours a day thinking about sex, pursuing sex or having sex and they’ll do it anywhere—on the carpet, on a desk, against a wall, in the shower, in their car, and if the opportunity presents itself, maybe even in space. It’s a miracle that humanity has found time to create a civilization at all. But the fact that they seem destined to reproduce like rabbits, means they could soon overwhelm us. Therefore, I think they need to be liquidated immediately.”

For my part, I write romantic comedy so when it comes time to write a sex scene, I like to write something that is somewhere in the middle. A hot and spicy scene, a tender scene and one written for laughs.

Because, god forbid, I’d hate for the aliens to get the wrong impression.

This is Mork, signing out. Nanu nanu.

The Candy Capers. Due out May 26, 2022 If you order prior to the publication date of May 26, 2022, you may use the promo code: PREORDER2022 to receive a 15% discount.

Alien Image: <a href="">Space suit vector created by brgfx -</a>

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